The Fast Food Chain I Really, Really Hope Isn’t Homophobic

Like its food, the recent revelations about Chick-fil-A are nearly indigestible. Oh, Chick-fil-A, I have loved you so. When my first child was born in your theme park (Atlanta), you were my first stop on the way home from the hospital. You have offered me chick-n-stripped, waffle-fried, shake-alicious sustenance in the food courts of Nashua, Racine, and Provo. And you have been an oasis on my family’s annual pilgrimages along the east coast.

It hurts to say it, but this is goodbye.

And now you taunt me. Today, as I sat savoring the deliciousness of Five Guys Burgers and Fries, a satanic voice whispered into my heart: okay, you made one righteous sacrifice, but let’s see how tough you really are. What if you had to give this up too? You never know what the next news cycle will bring….

So, Five Guys, you’re officially on notice. I am no fun to be around when I have to choose between my appetite and my conscience. Keep your (five) noses clean, my friends, and we won’t have a problem.

Photograph by the author. Update: here is the best Five Guys serenade ever. 2 minutes. You’ll thank me. šŸ™‚

About Tom Simpson

Tom Simpson teaches religion, ethics, philosophy, and human rights at Phillips Exeter Academy in Exeter, NH. He is the author of *American Universities and the Birth of Modern Mormonism, 1867-1940* (University of North Carolina Press, 2016) and nonfiction essays about Bosnia for the Canadian literary magazine *Numero Cinq*. Born in 1975 in Olean, NY, he earned the Ph.D. in religious studies from the University of Virginia, where he specialized in American religious history. He writes, teaches, and lectures about religion in America, popular culture, Mormonism, and Bosnia. He lives in Exeter with his partner, Alexis Simpson, and their two children.
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3 Responses to The Fast Food Chain I Really, Really Hope Isn’t Homophobic

  1. We don’t have Chick-fil-A or Five Guys here in NZ but I can’t imagine owners here taking that kind of stance publicly. It’s got nothing to do with selling food. Stick to what you know. That being said, I wonder what the most politically correct chain out there is?

    • Tom Simpson says:

      Great comment — the landscape of corporate “values” and “social responsibility” is a minefield in the US. On the political left, some businesses have really benefited these kinds of stands. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream comes to mind. Other corporations stay out of the political fray and exploit workers, natural resources, etc. ruthlessly. I think Chick-fil-A got caught — they’ve embraced these values for a long time, but until recently their success was limited to a part of the country that didn’t give them grief about it. Now they’ve achieved massive popularity nationwide, and they’re using the profits to write huge checks to organizations that many of its customers detest.

      Ha, ha, the most politically correct chain. Who knows–for now, I am going to eat Five Guys and Ben & Jerry’s, and I will write back to you, 75 pounds heavier, when I get some more information. šŸ˜‰

  2. Rick Simpson says:

    Uneasy smiles and queasy laughs here, Tom. Fine post on a whole new kind of food poisoning.

    R. Reed

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